NEAR TO THE BROKEN-HEARTED
In my (almost) 25 years of life, by His grace, loss has generally remained a foreign concept to me; It wasn’t until this year that I experienced it in deep ways and various forms. 2023 has been heavily marked by a handful of unexpected goodbyes… But if there’s one thing I have gained this year, it is knowing His love toward a heart that is grieving and broken — A love I could not have come face to face with unless pain was put on my path.
I’ve never questioned God as much as I have this year. There were many moments where I could no longer believe He really cared for me, and that very thought filled me with shame; It made me wonder if my faith, when truly tested by fire, even revealed anything to be true at the end of it. But in reading books like Job, Lamentations, and Ecclesiastes through the lens of suffering and loss, I was shocked to discover His patient posture, His steadfast love, and His unwavering gaze… Even toward a mere human who has the audacity to question and doubt that very posture, love, and gaze. He really does meet the confused and frustrated heart with compassion — A compassion that draws us back even after we’ve maybe pointed our finger at Him or felt justified in walking away when it got too tough. I love when it says that it is His lovingkindness that brings us to repentance. It is so true. His gentle and patient affections toward my contrition, meeting me where I’m at and showing me more of Him in my pain… Thank you, Jesus.
This year, with its losses and refining fires, has revealed such detailed aspects of His heart toward me. For that, I am grateful. He has secured me even more deeply in His love, something that I fervently prayed at the beginning of this year.
Uncle/Pastor Eddie went to be with the Lord on December 16. He was like a father to me. I’ve enjoyed looking back at many old photos, especially the ones that prove my parents’ statement that he truly held me more than anyone else did when I was a baby. I get such pure glimpses of the Lord’s love and faithfulness towards me through him and Auntie Min — People who persistently fought for me and lovingly raised me in His image… Especially through every heartache my family went through in my turbulent formative years. I can only imagine the great reward he is dancing in, with Jesus, in eternity.