MY DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve happened to consistently receive the same remark about my good memory. For most of my life, I’ve been aware of this, but only in formal adulthood have I seen it surprise people. There are moments when all someone can do is return a shocked and blank stare when I recall a fact about him/her. I recently met someone at church whose face looked so familiar, I knew for certain we had crossed paths before (I managed to figure out that we were in a random GE class together my freshman year of college). You can pull up any photo from my camera roll, even if it was years ago, and I can likely date it for you, tell you what I was feeling in that moment, explain who might have been there, and elaborate on that season of my life.
I believe good memory is a gift from God. At the same time, I believe it is one of the biggest double-edged swords I carry. A couple of years ago, someone asked me what’s so bad about having good memory, but the answer is simple: You remember… Literally everything — The good and the bad. The joys and the pains. The laughter and the weeping. No matter how long ago it may have been. I remember the specific shock of getting into UC Berkeley, and I remember the specific shock of getting into my first car accident. In my head, I can replay my greatest breakthroughs and victories just as much as I can replay my deepest pains and conversations (verbatim) of shattering rejection I’ve faced in this life… Still very much able to evoke the same weight of distinct emotions all over again, whether it be elation or a visceral reaction. It’s a strong tension.
In a current season of intense pruning and moving forward from loss, I perceive having good memory to be a weighty, undesirable burden. All you can think about is what is no longer. I often find myself being hit by a spiral of emotions at the reminder of something that was once sweet and particular commitments said and promised that fell flat. It’s quite hard to forget, and it’s quite hard to let go when you can’t forget; And even when the Father does bring you to the place of letting go, still… the challenge is forgetting. However, my SMN (pastor’s wife) recently received an image of me looking ahead at a very large and intimidating mountain that I had to climb; Although I was filled with apprehension, she said she saw what was behind me, namely every other large and intimidating mountain that I have already trekked over by His grace and in His perfect leadership. She encouraged me to remember what He has done, and to hope in what He will continue to do.
My resolve is as follows: Having a good memory is key to cherishing your history with God. I believe He who knew me in my mother’s womb was purposeful to create me in such a way: To live my life in remembrance of the cross and the works of His hands. In remembering, I am able to clearly see how God turns the tide, how He restores, and how He truly does not withhold any good thing from those who seek His face. I could not testify the depths of His faithfulness and steadfast love if I do not remember the depths of despair from which He saved me. I cannot declare God as healer and redeemer, if I do not remember the preceding pain and failures. Lastly, I cannot be pulled into the sanctification of possessing deeper Biblical love, a love that does not take into account a wrong suffered, if I neglect the fire needed to produce it — Forging a heart that can mean what the Father does when He says as far as the east is from the west, that’s how far He has removed our transgressions from us.
Remembrance is important in this life. If good memory is a way to higher praise and glory back to Him, fulfilling the one purpose I was made for, I consider it far more worth the occasional pain or hardship that comes with it. If it is all that I may be made more like Jesus and that I may see Him rightly, I consider it worth what sits on the other side of this “double-edged sword”.
“I shall remember the deeds of the Lord,
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.”
Psalm 77:11